“I feel bad for them… but I’m still hurt”
This is one of the hardest things to admit.
Not because it isn’t true.
But because it feels like it shouldn’t be.
You might look at your parents and see:
- how much they sacrificed
- what they went through
- what they didn’t have
And still feel:
- hurt
- distant
- frustrated
- emotionally disconnected
So the question becomes:
“How can I feel both?”
This isn’t confusion—it’s emotional complexity
Many adults raised in South Asian families struggle with this exact tension.
Because you were often taught—directly or indirectly—that:
- gratitude should override discomfort
- respect should come before emotional honesty
- understanding your parents should mean not questioning them
So when resentment shows up, it doesn’t feel like a valid emotion.
It feels like a problem.
If this is you, it might sound like:
- “They did so much for me… I shouldn’t feel this way”
- “I know they had it hard, so I feel guilty being upset”
- “I feel bad for them, but I don’t feel close to them”
- “I avoid conflict because I don’t want to hurt them”
- “I feel responsible for how they feel”
This isn’t inconsistency.
It’s what happens when your emotional experience was never fully allowed to exist on its own.
Where the guilt comes from
Guilt often develops when:
- your needs were not centered
- your emotions were minimized
- your role was to adapt, not express
You may have learned:
👉 “If I feel upset, I’m being unfair”
👉 “If I question them, I’m being disrespectful”
👉 “If I create distance, I’m being ungrateful”
So instead of processing hurt, your system shifts into guilt.
Where the resentment comes from
Resentment doesn’t come from nowhere.
It builds over time when:
- your emotional needs were not met
- you had to manage things on your own
- you felt unseen or misunderstood
- you had to suppress parts of yourself
Even if your parents did their best.
Even if they cared.
Impact and intention are not the same thing.
The intergenerational layer
Your parents may have been shaped by:
- colonization and loss of stability
- migration and rebuilding from scratch
- financial pressure and scarcity
- rigid roles and expectations
- limited emotional modeling
They may have learned:
- to suppress emotion
- to prioritize survival
- to equate care with provision
As explored in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (Lindsay C. Gibson), emotional immaturity often isn’t about lack of care—it’s about limited emotional capacity.
And that capacity is shaped over time.
Understanding your parents doesn’t erase your experience
This is where many people get stuck.
They think:
👉 “If I understand why they were this way, I shouldn’t feel hurt anymore.”
But that’s not how it works.
Understanding provides context.
It does not remove impact.
You can:
- recognize their limitations
- feel compassion for their experiences
And still acknowledge:
👉 “Something important was missing for me.”
A pattern I often see
Many adults describe feeling like they are:
- constantly managing their parents’ emotions
- avoiding difficult conversations
- holding back their truth
- feeling drained after interactions
Not because they don’t care.
But because the emotional space doesn’t feel safe enough.
Why this feels so difficult to resolve
Because you’re not just navigating your own feelings.
You’re navigating:
- cultural expectations
- family roles
- internalized guilt
- emotional patterns built over years
So it’s not as simple as:
👉 “just set boundaries”
Your system has been trained to prioritize connection over authenticity.
A different way to understand this
Instead of asking:
“Why do I feel guilty and resentful at the same time?”
It may be more accurate to ask:
“What was I responsible for emotionally growing up—and what was I not supported in receiving?”
That question shifts the focus from judgment to clarity.
What actually helps
Not forcing yourself to choose one feeling over the other.
But allowing both to exist.
You can:
- feel compassion and hurt
- understand and feel impacted
- stay connected and create space
These are not contradictions.
They are part of a more honest emotional experience.
Small shifts that matter
- Notice when guilt shows up automatically
- Pause before dismissing your own feelings
- Separate your parents’ experiences from your own
- Allow discomfort without immediately fixing it
These are subtle, but they begin to change the pattern.
Therapy can support this process
Because this isn’t just about communication.
It’s about:
- emotional conditioning
- relational patterns
- internalized beliefs about responsibility and worth
Therapy can help you:
- understand where these patterns came from
- process conflicting emotions
- build boundaries that don’t rely on guilt
- relate to your parents—and yourself—differently
(You may also relate to: “Emotional Neglect in South Asian Families” and “The Good Child Trauma Response.”)
A note for adults across Ontario
Many adults across Ontario begin to notice this pattern when they feel emotionally drained in family relationships but also deeply responsible for maintaining them.
If this resonates, it’s not something you’re imagining.
And it’s not something you have to sort through alone.
FAQ
Is it normal to feel both guilt and resentment toward parents?
Yes. These emotions often coexist, especially in families where care and emotional disconnection exist together.
Does feeling resentment mean I don’t love my parents?
No. Resentment usually reflects unmet needs, not lack of care.
Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries?
Because many people were conditioned to prioritize family harmony over individual needs.
You may also relate to:
- Emotional Neglect in South Asian Families
- The Good Child Trauma Response
- Why Nothing Ever Feels Good Enough
- The Mother Wound in South Asian Families
Understanding where these patterns came from is not about blaming your parents. It’s about understanding their impact so you can decide what you want to carry forward—and what you don’t.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This is exactly what I’ve been feeling, but I’ve never had the words for it,” that’s often where the work begins.
Many of the adults I work with across Ontario spent years functioning well on the outside while feeling disconnected, exhausted, guilty, or emotionally stuck underneath it all.
If you’d like support making sense of these patterns, you can reach out here:
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